So today on my way to work I saw a fatal traffic accident between a pick-up truck and a semi. Apparently the pick-up driver was in a rush and turned in front of the semi. I started thinking about how everyone seems to be in a rush and how we all do unsafe things like that at times.
Was the pick-up driver on the phone? Was he texting? Was he talking to his wife and how horrible would it be to hear your spouse die like that?
I thought all this, then I thought about all the risks I take in life. The Russian Roulette with my Vietnamese Mafia friends on Tuesdays. The underage hookers I kill on weekends. Is the risk worth the reward?......yes.
Thursday, December 16, 2010
Thursday, September 9, 2010
Just a Cat
This weekend Our cat Nichi (pronounced Nietzsche) died. Some of you are thinking "Big deal, it's just a cat" and others are thinking "How sad. I have lost pets of my own and I can relate". The first group is not pet people (or at least not "Cat people"), the second group obviously is pet people. But I digress.
My sadness over my lost cat does not simply come from the extinguished life, but a slew of other elements. Nichi was the first I have ever owned and he was not what I expected. I have owned dogs my entire life, so judging only from other people's cats I expected an aloof being that would only occasionally show it's face and stink up the house with it's indiscriminate peeing on all of my walls.
What I got however, was a fun little furry friend that sat on my legs during meals and slept across my ribs every night. His little face warmed my heart as his voice made the darkest days seem brighter. He ran through the house playing and making us all laugh at his antics. He demanded attention and accepted it fiercely. He gave love as freely it was given.
His last three months were filled with illness and forced medication. Something none of us enjoyed. His muscular body shrunk from lack of exercise and he looked like a shell of himself. He stopped being able to support his own weight and eventually went into a coma-like state. I held him during his last moments, feeling his ragged breath and would have given just about anything to bring the joy of Nichi back into my wife's, my daughter's and my life again. To hear his purr and to feel his weight on me... Nichi was anything BUT "Just a cat".
Goodbye my Friend.
My sadness over my lost cat does not simply come from the extinguished life, but a slew of other elements. Nichi was the first I have ever owned and he was not what I expected. I have owned dogs my entire life, so judging only from other people's cats I expected an aloof being that would only occasionally show it's face and stink up the house with it's indiscriminate peeing on all of my walls.
What I got however, was a fun little furry friend that sat on my legs during meals and slept across my ribs every night. His little face warmed my heart as his voice made the darkest days seem brighter. He ran through the house playing and making us all laugh at his antics. He demanded attention and accepted it fiercely. He gave love as freely it was given.
His last three months were filled with illness and forced medication. Something none of us enjoyed. His muscular body shrunk from lack of exercise and he looked like a shell of himself. He stopped being able to support his own weight and eventually went into a coma-like state. I held him during his last moments, feeling his ragged breath and would have given just about anything to bring the joy of Nichi back into my wife's, my daughter's and my life again. To hear his purr and to feel his weight on me... Nichi was anything BUT "Just a cat".
Goodbye my Friend.
Friday, June 18, 2010
Judging a DVD by it's cover
So, I was in Best Buy not too long ago and I spotted a Zombie movie I had never heard of. Of course I purchased it, It took place in a warehouse district part of town and there were Flesh hungry "Zombies". So I watch the movie and I realize it is not a zombie movie at all, but a cannibal movie. These are not the undead hordes I sought, but warm blooded men. What the Fuck! Of course I returned the movie to the store. The Customer Service chick tells me "We can't return movies that have been opened, we can only exchange them for the same movie". Why would I want to return a crap movie for another copy of the same crap movie? I explained to her very slowly and with small words that the images depicted on the cover were not from that movie at all. They were in fact rotting zombies, whereas this movie contained no zombies and was in fact a cannibal movie. This confused her. She went and got a manager who told me the whole exchange policy again. So once again I explained the situation, only this time, I used the term "False advertising". This will get any manager's attention by the way, so use it when necessary (I think they have conventions at manager retreats about the term).
So this whole situation got me thinking about other forms of false advertising. The greatest or most treacherous of which would have to be attractiveness. See for some reason we are hard wired to believe the more attractive someone is the more important or better they are. I did a poll using the 10 scale (1 being Sloth from "The Goonies" and 10 being the most attractive celebrity people could think of). The list of 10's consisted of:
Brad Pitt (of course)
Robert Downey jr.
Tyson Beckford
Halle Berry
Johnny Depp
Angelina Jolle
Jessica Rabbit
and Maksim Chmerkovskiy (whoever the hell that is)
I also asked the women to rate me. Some were reluctant (probably because they did not want to insult me), but I got a score between 5 and 8. So each of the aforementioned 10's have at least two points on me. Plus, I think some of the questionees were just being polite, so let's say I'm a 6 for the sake of argument. So each of them have 4 points on me in the looks department...in a life or death situation, they have a 40% higher chance of survival. Brad Pitt will get a cab before me. Robert Downey Jr. will get the last piece of cake instead of me. If Halle Berry were to rob me at gunpoint and throw the gun down just as the police arrived, I would be the one going to jail. being attractive in our society is a license to steal. But, the outer casing of skin has nothing to do with the personality of the person. I've known plenty of attractive bitches, and some really handsome assholes. I've also known some people who don't think they are attractive, but are amazing looking and humble as hell. They are typically the people who were not attractive kids, but grew into attractive adults, and I think that is the key. People who have gone their whole lives knowing they are attractive feel entitled and are more arrogant. so if you see an attractive person and you want to know what they are like on the inside without wanting to spend weeks or minutes finding out, just ask them to see a picture of them when they were a kid and you will have all the answers you need. If they were child beauty pageant winners run, and run hard. If they were hideous little kids, you have a keeper.
So this whole situation got me thinking about other forms of false advertising. The greatest or most treacherous of which would have to be attractiveness. See for some reason we are hard wired to believe the more attractive someone is the more important or better they are. I did a poll using the 10 scale (1 being Sloth from "The Goonies" and 10 being the most attractive celebrity people could think of). The list of 10's consisted of:
Brad Pitt (of course)
Robert Downey jr.
Tyson Beckford
Halle Berry
Johnny Depp
Angelina Jolle
Jessica Rabbit
and Maksim Chmerkovskiy (whoever the hell that is)
I also asked the women to rate me. Some were reluctant (probably because they did not want to insult me), but I got a score between 5 and 8. So each of the aforementioned 10's have at least two points on me. Plus, I think some of the questionees were just being polite, so let's say I'm a 6 for the sake of argument. So each of them have 4 points on me in the looks department...in a life or death situation, they have a 40% higher chance of survival. Brad Pitt will get a cab before me. Robert Downey Jr. will get the last piece of cake instead of me. If Halle Berry were to rob me at gunpoint and throw the gun down just as the police arrived, I would be the one going to jail. being attractive in our society is a license to steal. But, the outer casing of skin has nothing to do with the personality of the person. I've known plenty of attractive bitches, and some really handsome assholes. I've also known some people who don't think they are attractive, but are amazing looking and humble as hell. They are typically the people who were not attractive kids, but grew into attractive adults, and I think that is the key. People who have gone their whole lives knowing they are attractive feel entitled and are more arrogant. so if you see an attractive person and you want to know what they are like on the inside without wanting to spend weeks or minutes finding out, just ask them to see a picture of them when they were a kid and you will have all the answers you need. If they were child beauty pageant winners run, and run hard. If they were hideous little kids, you have a keeper.
Wednesday, June 16, 2010
Avoid loosing everything in the event of a break in
So, last Friday I had a half day at work. I came home to find my back door kicked in. Some low life pieces of shit broke into my house and stole a bunch of my things. I had a gun safe that was not mounted to the concrete floor. That makes it more of a handy carrying case for all my valuables rather than a protective device, so shame on me for that. Now every time I think about it I get really angry. I'm not a bad person, nor am I wealthy, why was my house picked on? Why did I have to spend 13 hours repairing doors and then have to pay to put an alarm in. The answer is because there are bad guys out there. Real life bad guys that prey on others. We can't stop them from breaking into our homes when we are off trying to make an honest living. The fact that they don't have regular jobs actually makes their line of work easier because my entire street was empty when it happened.
This was all made a little more tolerable in a dream I had. Tyler Durden came to me, much like Elvis did in the movie "true Romance" every time Christian Slater took a piss. Except instead of appearing to me only when I had my dick in my hand it was much less gay because he just walked up to me and said. "When a bear lives in a cave and a fox comes in and steals his food, the bear cleans out the fox shit and goes on living in the cave as if nothing was taken". That gave me some peace of mind. I realize my house did not change because strangers were rummaging through my belongings, only the way I feel about it changed. That being said, if I ever catch you fuckers, I will put a hurting on you that you will not walk away from.
So here are some tips I learned from my break-in experience:
1. Do not fail to secure your gun safe to something permanent.
2. Store absolutely no valuable belongings in your top drawer or on the shelf of your closet. Apparently those are the first places they check.
3. Do not store valuables in your hamper....strangely that was gone through as well. How does my shitty underwear smell you bitches?
4. If you feel like you should change your door to a stronger one...do so. It will be cheaper in the long run.
5. Do not go into the house that has obviously been broken into with nothing but your pocket knife and your dick in your hand. You could be shot with your own gun....yeah, I messed this one up pretty good.
That is pretty much it. None of the above, nor dogs, alarms or booby traps will keep all thieves out, they are just deterrents. So the absolute best practice is just....Don't own anything nice.
"The things you own, end up owning you"- Tyler Durden
This was all made a little more tolerable in a dream I had. Tyler Durden came to me, much like Elvis did in the movie "true Romance" every time Christian Slater took a piss. Except instead of appearing to me only when I had my dick in my hand it was much less gay because he just walked up to me and said. "When a bear lives in a cave and a fox comes in and steals his food, the bear cleans out the fox shit and goes on living in the cave as if nothing was taken". That gave me some peace of mind. I realize my house did not change because strangers were rummaging through my belongings, only the way I feel about it changed. That being said, if I ever catch you fuckers, I will put a hurting on you that you will not walk away from.
So here are some tips I learned from my break-in experience:
1. Do not fail to secure your gun safe to something permanent.
2. Store absolutely no valuable belongings in your top drawer or on the shelf of your closet. Apparently those are the first places they check.
3. Do not store valuables in your hamper....strangely that was gone through as well. How does my shitty underwear smell you bitches?
4. If you feel like you should change your door to a stronger one...do so. It will be cheaper in the long run.
5. Do not go into the house that has obviously been broken into with nothing but your pocket knife and your dick in your hand. You could be shot with your own gun....yeah, I messed this one up pretty good.
That is pretty much it. None of the above, nor dogs, alarms or booby traps will keep all thieves out, they are just deterrents. So the absolute best practice is just....Don't own anything nice.
"The things you own, end up owning you"- Tyler Durden
Thursday, June 3, 2010
Texas Chainsaw Massacre as a metaphor for our political system
OK, bear with me here people because this is going to get a little abstract. Let's say Leatherface's chainsaw represents out political system. The teeth on the saw represent all the different governing houses etc.. and the motor is our president. Alright, I think any fool could see the similarities. Now this part may get a bit confusing, but what the government does is very similar to what Leatherface does, for example, when the government passes some silly bill that takes away our freedoms, that is very much like when Leatherface RAMS HIS CHAINSAW UP A VIRGIN'S ASS. See we are the virgin, and that is our ass getting fucking obliterated by the teeth of the government.
I think part of the problem is the method with which we select our political representatives, coupled with their own agendas and self interests. We are supposed to have people that look out for the little guy, that look after our interests, instead they wield the power like Leatherface wields his chainsaw, to line their own pockets and make decisions a child would know will not work or should not be attempted. It's just like the end of the movie where leatherface dances around with his saw. Yeah there is a lot of spinning and swinging, but nothing is really being accomplished. Fucking cannibals...
I think part of the problem is the method with which we select our political representatives, coupled with their own agendas and self interests. We are supposed to have people that look out for the little guy, that look after our interests, instead they wield the power like Leatherface wields his chainsaw, to line their own pockets and make decisions a child would know will not work or should not be attempted. It's just like the end of the movie where leatherface dances around with his saw. Yeah there is a lot of spinning and swinging, but nothing is really being accomplished. Fucking cannibals...
Rocky the peacekeeper
Rocky Balboa was an amazing human being. Did you see how he tied world peace and him and Drago beating the snot out of each other together! I mean, the Russians all got it. We should all change right! And if I can change, you can change, everyone can change!
That brings me to my next rant which is, I hate when movie writers feel the need to put some stupid fucking long winded speech at the end of a movie. Examples: Rocky 4, The lord of the Rings, Hoosiers, Dead Poet Society, Robin Hood, Wall Street, holy crap! keep the speeches short and my social relevance to a minimum and let me enjoy a fucking movie without you cramming your political, religious, pseudo-psycho babble down my goddamn throat you fucking Hippocrates. Feed our children, help our homeless, and keep your fucking hands off my jeep! I don't even know what I'm talking about anymore and that is my fucking point.
That brings me to my next rant which is, I hate when movie writers feel the need to put some stupid fucking long winded speech at the end of a movie. Examples: Rocky 4, The lord of the Rings, Hoosiers, Dead Poet Society, Robin Hood, Wall Street, holy crap! keep the speeches short and my social relevance to a minimum and let me enjoy a fucking movie without you cramming your political, religious, pseudo-psycho babble down my goddamn throat you fucking Hippocrates. Feed our children, help our homeless, and keep your fucking hands off my jeep! I don't even know what I'm talking about anymore and that is my fucking point.
The relevance of Zombie films in today's Society
Most people realize Romero's original "Dawn of the Dead" was actually about consumerism, but one would be remiss if they were unable to see the relevance of the zombie film in today's society. We are literally surrounded by zombies. People walking down the sidewalk texting, people standing right next to someone they are texting, people with ipods jammed in their ears all day long, oblivious to anything going on around them, Kids with handheld videogames at family functions, missing life. Facebook status junkies who do nothing but update for their every thought, Holy fuckin'dogshit Batman! People are sitting by idly while life flies past them at breakneck speed and all they care about is their goddamn facebook status. This is sad to me....I need to see a bus full of nuns and orphans crash head on through a cerebral palsy picnic with a special "last of the "Wizard of Oz" Munchkins" as a guest speaker, sort of tragedy to put a smile back on my face.
Wednesday, June 2, 2010
Six String Samurai
Imagine Buddy Holly, yeah the guy who sang "Peggy Sue", as a sword wielding, guitar carrying bad-ass. Buddy is on his way to Lost Vegas to become the new King because Elvis died. Along the way he is confronted by mutants, a living la vida loca Dwarf, a cannibal family, windmill people, Death and his two buddies, and the entire Russian Army! Ok, now stop imagining it and go out and buy Six String Samurai, because it is going to be better than your imagination just was anyway you idiot. Seriously, stop reading this and go buy it...Now!
This movie kicks 32 different flavors of ass, and it has a cool soundtrack, the majority of which is the Red Elvises.
This movie kicks 32 different flavors of ass, and it has a cool soundtrack, the majority of which is the Red Elvises.
Violence in Movies
I remember seeing an old black and white film that was showing how violence in movies made kids violent. One of the kids in the film stood up and walked outside, unfolded a pocket knife and started stabbing a tree. It was comical, obviously the kid has something wrong with him, or he hates trees, or he thinks he is a lumberjack.
I would say throughout my life time I have probably seen thousands of violent movies. I have not however committed thousands of acts of violence. There would have to be a 1 to 1 ratio for this even to be true. Like for every violent movie I would have had to have done a violent deed. I think the most violent thing I have ever done after a movie was a violent crap from all the popcorn.
Those people who think horror movies are evil are idiots. How could something that so many people enjoy be evil. Anyway, if there is a God and he tells me I was evil for watching horror movies, I'll say "Hey, God, it's just a movie. Miracle up some popcorn and let's watch American Psycho".
I would say throughout my life time I have probably seen thousands of violent movies. I have not however committed thousands of acts of violence. There would have to be a 1 to 1 ratio for this even to be true. Like for every violent movie I would have had to have done a violent deed. I think the most violent thing I have ever done after a movie was a violent crap from all the popcorn.
Those people who think horror movies are evil are idiots. How could something that so many people enjoy be evil. Anyway, if there is a God and he tells me I was evil for watching horror movies, I'll say "Hey, God, it's just a movie. Miracle up some popcorn and let's watch American Psycho".
Tuesday, June 1, 2010
On "Zombie" Films
This past weekend I rented a movie. The back of the box read "A zombie thriller", My little heart went all pitter pitter. I took the movie home and watched all 93 agonizing minutes of a ghost movie that involved not zombies, just lame ass ghost possessions and bad dialogue. When I returned it the next day to the rental place...I won't say the name, but it rhymes with "Cock Guzzler" ( well, kind of), I informed the clerk that I wanted a credit because the movie was not a zombie movie, but a ghost movie. Her response was "Well, it's a low budget horror movie, you've got to expect that."
This is the part that chaps my ass. Because it is "low budget" you can market it as a zombie film when it is not and i am supposed to be ok with it?, I say "Nay", actually, i don't think I have ever actually said "Nay", but i did tell her "No", that does not work. You cannot say a movie is a cowboy flick and have a cheeky monkey playing baseball, nor can you say something is a romance movie, when it is a snuff film, so i will not sit idly by while the zombie name is smeared on every two bit piece of crap movie that hollywood or it's bastard children craps out.
...needless to say, I got my credit, and purchased two, yes two, low budget ZOMBIE movies....Yeah! That is how the Monkey Does!
This is the part that chaps my ass. Because it is "low budget" you can market it as a zombie film when it is not and i am supposed to be ok with it?, I say "Nay", actually, i don't think I have ever actually said "Nay", but i did tell her "No", that does not work. You cannot say a movie is a cowboy flick and have a cheeky monkey playing baseball, nor can you say something is a romance movie, when it is a snuff film, so i will not sit idly by while the zombie name is smeared on every two bit piece of crap movie that hollywood or it's bastard children craps out.
...needless to say, I got my credit, and purchased two, yes two, low budget ZOMBIE movies....Yeah! That is how the Monkey Does!
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